Call me a sissy if you want, but I do not like meeting large spiders. I’m not Andy Arachnophobe or anything, but large hairy crawly things and my good self do not get on. After playing Resident Evil I can categorically state that I par-tic-u-lar-ly do not enjoy rounding a corner and coming face to face with a spider the size of Southampton. Brown trousers, pants and socks time and no mistake. Everything else in Resident Evil: the presentation, the music, the atmosphere etc, is great. But not that damned spider.

If you’ve ever wanted to know what it feels like to be the stupid teenager in a horror movie who always says “So Joe Bob, Billy Ray, Emma Lou and Susie May have disappeared and have probably been brutally dismembered and transformed into zombies, but, what the heck, I think I’ll wander around this haunted house without a torch”, you should buy Resident Evil.

Alternatively, if severed heads, devilish puzzles, hellish creatures and bloodcaked walls are your thing, still buy Resident Evil, and then run home very quickly, draw the curtains, kill the lights, hook up the amp, tell the girlfriend you’ll see her next week (maybe), get in some bread, a few cans of beans and some soup, brew up plenty of coffee, kiss the next 96 hours good-bye and settle back for Return of the Living Dead – Interactive!

Mulder and Scully? No, Chris and Jill
This particular form of escapism has you playing the role of either Jill Valentine or Chris Redfield, two heroes of the STARS team, who are currently investigating mysterious happenings down at scary mansion number 347, or whatever it is. To cut a long story short, some boffins were experimenting with genetic engineering, screwed up, turned themselves into zombies and sent all the animals (and some of the plants) homicidally mad, as well as mutating some of them to huge sizes. But you don’t actually know this yet, technically, (you learn bloody quick mind) as you’ve been sent in to find out what’s going on. At the beginning of the game you choose to play as either Chris or Jill; one a muscle-bound Arnie type, the other an elf-like slim girlie in pig-tails, and the structure and difficulty level of Resident Evil changes drastically depending on your selection here. Jill for example can obtain a gun right from the start, has extra slots in her inventory and a handy lock pick kit which negates the need for loads of keys, but her strength is low. Whereas playing with Chris is for real masochists because he doesn’t even start with a gun. Anyone who’s watched a few too many zombie flicks will know that this is a basic requirement.

Other members of the team do play a part in the game, either through supplying you with handy information in well-presented rendered cut-scenes (when one comes up to you and says “I really think you should go to section A”, do it, as it means there’s little left to be had in the current area) or, more macabrely, as a source of ammunition (ie, you find a corpse and nick their ammo clips).

… continued